MY Christian soul is possessed by a demon

Inlayed in the stands of terrible emotions

Taking things from me, a creature of nothing

It is Anger and it has become the reason for my reason

My Christian soul is screaming, I’m sick of nothing; up until this point my faith has just been story telling.

The pages of bibles, marked with first impressions

Underlining special scriptures to make me look like more of a Christian.

Why the hell don’t I feel this? What the hell made me so empty?

It’s like my heart is embodied on the cross, with tears in it

A man made something terrible, wreckage

God delivered to Jesus, but I’, still waiting on my package.

I just want to see eternity

The angels singing in the choir

I want to see grandma with her harp and lyre

I want to see grandpa, singing in the bass

Aunt Vera, holdin’ her hands up in praise

God, I’m sick of this world.

I just want to see YOU face to face.

It’s like the whole path I’ve been on, is a smelting process

Making me into a puddle of nothin’, just hot metal.

God, keep kepin’ me, I don’t need anything else.

Keep on holdin’ me, God, even when I’m through hell.

I know this pain is temporary, but God it feels like it’s lasting forever.

A thorn in my side, sent from the devil himself.

I just wanna praise you, I just wanna praise you

But it’s so damn hard, when I feel like I can’t see you.

I just wanna meet you, I just wannt meet you

But the path is fraught with troubles

The darkness has turned everything askew.

But the dim light is still there, and I promise I’m still running

I just wanna need you, I just wanna need you

More, than just someone whose there when I’m feeling empty

I don’t wanna be me, take this life from me

And turn this puddle human, and guard me as my armor.

Resilient God, make me Resilient

Put me at your feet God, and take from me this demon.

Jesus Christ, son of God; have mercy on me, a sinner

I’m not worthy of your laces

Nor the worth you’ve given me

The rock ground I was slammed on has sent me into eternity

My residency is in perfection,

 the cross has become where people can reach me

how much grace does God have

that I’d become His priority.

Now, I’m fine with the fact that not every Christian who walks this earth will go to bible college- it’s just not something real to hope for. But, in the Christ-Follower’s faith, there are responsibilities to be assumed. One of them that is currently on my heart is that of intellectual stimulation. Also, judgement. These two things have come up recently in something I’ve read, and I would like to type out my thoughts to an audience of nobody. Still, it’s good to get down what you think.

The school I attend has us do so many hours of Christian work every semester- this is not designed to force people into ministry, but to help the students realize the things the bible tells us to do. We’re told to do about 12-15 hours of service every semester- once a week. It’s not terrible by any means, it’s actually one of the better helpers that we have at my school. But no matter what happens with that, or how someone justifies the whole thing, someone has to have a problem with it. Typically it’s an emotional problem, unfounded. The school checks a few people every semester; to the furthest extent of my knowledge its completely random. So if someone gets picked to runt his gauntlet, it happens. The real problem comes about when someone assumes their role as the Christian with an attitude. They must, in some way, make sure everyone knows about the fact that they are being looked at. God forbid they just accept what happens to them, they must tell the world. Even further than that, they have to blame the school for keeping check when it comes to their programs. Now, is it so bad for the school- IN PRIVATE- to make sure that someone is staying true? I believe the bible talks about this issue- pulling a brother aside in private, discussing what has happened? No, that doesn’t immediately line up with your purpose right now so it doesn’t matter, correct? If you’re mad about a Christian university checking on you doing the things you said you did, why be mad if you did them? You’ve done them, they’re just checking, you’re a student here- it’s all fine. Also, it’s not about judging your christian life, it’s about you remaining in truth. 

The curse, aforementioned, is pride. The youth had pride. We all have pride. We all want to change this world of the better, but we can’t do it without our God. But we won’t sacrifice the things we want to lust after for the dreams that God can use to make this world a better place. Even past that, the things we’re doing are not even being given to God- as much as we would assume they are. They are just being lost in the transaction of a fake faith to a God we don’t truly believe in. When your God becomes real, you’ll give it all to Him. Everything will just stop being stories, and things will become more real. You’ll not want to have anything based on your own accord- it’ll be something you give to them.  Your God is real when the reality of your path is lost in the will that God has for you.

There is a religious following when it comes to sports. The rituals are going to these big arenas, to get drunk with other sports loves, eat disgustingly overpriced food, and even instill these types of things in their children. Now, I don’t hate sports. In fact, I think t hey are very interesting, and something that should be had. It’s a good time to have fun. But sometimes I just wish that people showed the same type of vigor when it comes to religion. Actually, some people do, they are called Muslims. Wicca. Buddhists. 

Religions all over the world take pride in the fact that they are the religion that they are. I don’t see it with Christianity. There’s nothing that would make me think that we are as bold in our faith as the aforementioned religions. When it comes to big sports events we even shorten our religious gatherings just so we can see the events in their full.

This pisses me off. 

God, 

My heart is looking for something deeper. There is a deep urge in my heart to find something- a girlfriend. But in that girlfriend, a future. When things happen that seem like I’m controlling, the all seem forced. When I look toward you, Father, I find peace. God, calm my soul. My heart is suffocating itself with it’s worldly desires. My heart is looking so deeply into this world, that I ignore everything else. God, allow me to take up my cross. I want to rip my flesh off, this body should be dead. Father, please allow me to look toward the cross- seeing the death Christ suffered through- allow me to die to myself. May I die, and never find this life again. God, you’re so good. Praise you Father for the blessing you’ve allowed me to experience. Praise you God, that people are looking for you. Praise you God for the ability to extend my arm to someone who is wanting to find you. God, praise you. Praise the risen son. God is good. 

I’m just a monster.

Forced to be becoming, 

dressed up in white.

Like I’m at a wedding.

I’m not a beast,

I’m just a liar

monsters don’t lie,

they are creatures of moral

my ways have left me dead

my skull should meet the road like a tire.

I’m not a beast

I’m just a human

The hum of life hums in me

but my inequities have left me dry

but I’ve been made a new man.

I’m not a beast

I’m just sinner

a champion of lamenting

a fiend of disability

the sword I have, it’s held against me.

I’m not a beast.

I’ve been made clean.

My soul waits on

the thing which makes men gleam. 

¹⁶ Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. ¹⁷ When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. ¹⁸ Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. ¹⁹ Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, ²⁰ and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:16-20

The nature of these scriptures don’t bring up change. They bring up going out into the world showing people Christ. With THAT we will bring change.

Here, you want to change the world? Go with God into this world. Do not merely go on some understanding of self vindication, that won’t work. When you want to change this would, you’re not focused on going places or going to different countries- you’re focused on the people. Planting a flower may look pretty, but if there’s nobody to water it, it’s done for.

This may bring up something else, that we have to be somewhere to do something for God? Ministry isn’t what happens after Christian college, it’s what happens during your life wherever you are. If you’re not in college, ministry is still the same. The things you do, the life you live, the people you meet, the family you have, the things you learn, the broken down times, the mountain top times, the pain, the joy, and everything else; THAT is your ministry. Don’t intend to change the world based off you thinking that you’re something new, and something cool and hip. In reality, all of that is nothing; change the world wrapping yourself in God. Putting on the armor He’s issued to his warriors (Eph 6:10-17) that are dedicated to bringing the Gospel to sick broken sinners (Mrk 2:17). This is not to tell people that they shouldn’t strive for change, but they should work toward making themselves like Christ, by reading the scriptures and wearing them on our heart (job 22:22). We are Christians. We are powerful, we are daughters and sons of God. We are the strong,the faithful, the ones who are warriors.

But we’re weak. We’re prideful, we’re dumb, and we’re not worth the the God has given us. We can make no good change away from the love of God. We must change, in accordance with how God sees change. Change, not only happening,but moving toward Christ.

I wasn’t put here to be liked. But it would still be nice.

If something seems wrong to me, I’ll say something about it. Just because people feel the need to state their opinion doesn’t exclude me from being passionate about mine. I’ll preach this Gospel, I’m unashamed.I’m sorry if you don’t like that I say stuff about topics and issues. But I’ll give my passion to my Christ, and that’s just going to have to be ok with whoever opposes me.